


To be Perfect

by angelslove



Series: Borderline [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, almost break up, bc bokuto doesnt wike how he treats akaash..... even tho its gentl, bokuto is v insecure, borderline personality disorder bokuto, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-30 01:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20806052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelslove/pseuds/angelslove
Summary: He was asking weird questions, had an edge of something wrong in his voice. Akaashi would *definitely* break up with him.





	To be Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> hey there!!!!!! bokuto is one of my favorite haikyuu characters, and i adore the idea of bokuto with a personality disorder (as someone w/ one myself). i tried to fit some terms and explanations into this to make it more obvious, even though it isnt outright stated in the fic that bokuto has borderline personality disorder so i hope that came across in the fic??? :))) let me know if you have any questions or anything like that!!!!!
> 
> please enjoyyyy!!!!!!! thanks so much!!!!!!

It was only a few weeks after he asked Akaashi to be his boyfriend when Bokuto Koutarou realized how bad of a mistake it was.

Because Bokuto Koutarou isn't normal.

Akaashi Keiji was perfect. His hair curled around his heart-shaped face and made him look so pretty. The shape of his eyes, making his gaze so intense. His lean body. His long, graceful fingers. His maturity. The way he was an unwavering pillar, for both the volleyball team and for Bokuto himself. 

And Bokuto?

What did Bokuto have to offer?

_ "I've liked you for a while, Akaashi!" He remembers chirping, his chest puffed out; a product of psyching himself up for the confession. "A-and I was wondering! If maybe you felt the same way!" _

_ Akaashi had blinked. And blinked again. And then suddenly, he had ducked his head to look at the ground. "Um... Bokuto-san..." _

_ Bokuto had felt himself faltering, his confidence (and chest) deflating. After being egged on to do this for the past three weeks by his team and Kuroo, he had been riding so high. He felt unstoppable. _

_ But his high was suddenly coming to an emergency stop, plummeting straight to his toes and taking his stomach with it. He had been convinced Akaashi liked him too, but obviously not. How could he had been so stupid-- how would he go about fixing this? He couldn't. Akaashi would only regard him as a creep now, someone who saw the setter 'like that', and it would be the end of their friendship-- _

_ "I like you too," Bokuto remembered Akaashi had murmured in the middle of his train wreck of a thought process. He looked back up again and Bokuto had admired the blush in his cheeks, the way he stared at the ace like he was the winning spike in one of their tournaments. His chest had never felt so full before.  _

_ "Really?! I like you so much, Akaashi, I mean it--" _

_ "Me too, Bokuto-san."  _

_ Bokuto had to be the luckiest guy on the planet. _

It wasn't fair to Akaashi. His mood swings-- they were one thing on the court. A few praises here and there, a successful spike or two, and he was all good again.

But outside?

Succeeding in a spike wouldn't fix his insecurities. Simple praises wouldn't fix the compulsiveness he felt over needing to please Akaashi, lest the younger man left him. He wanted to be perfect. He wanted to kiss Akaashi like he deserved, hold Akaashi like he deserved, woo Akaashi like he deserved. 

Bokuto hadn't kissed Akaashi once since they got together. 

He knew Akaashi wanted to, saw the ways he looked at Bokuto's lips sometimes, especially when he walks Akaashi to his front door. It should elate the ace, but instead makes his stomach tighten. What if he kissed Akaashi, and it was so bad he wanted to break up? He had never kissed anyone before, and wanted it to be perfect for his boyfriend. 

But nothing Bokuto did was or ever would be perfect. 

It was a hard pill to swallow.

For example, he was loud. He was so loud, and was told day in and day out just how loud he was. Akaashi was quiet, calculative, liked to read, and to join conversations-- not start them. Maybe Akaashi would like someone quieter. He deserved someone that wouldn't get on his nerves, after all, and talking so much and so loudly was definitely one of his biggest flaws!

Bokuto decided not to talk as much when they walked home together, as hard as it was.

"You're alright?" Akaashi murmured, more than once as they walked. He was holding Bokuto's hand, but the ace could hardly even do that correctly. His palm was sweating from nerves and all he could think about was how gross it probably was for Akaashi to hold. What if he got disgusted by it, and broke up with him?

"Yeah, yup!" Bokuto chirped. "I'm fine. I just had a math test today and I'm soooo pooped."

Akaashi huffed in amusement, and Bokuto cherished the sound so dearly. 

"If you need help, maybe ask your teacher for some tutoring options. I'm also not adverse to helping, but I'm a year behind. So I can't promise accuracy."

"No, it's okay! I think what we're doing now is something I understand for the most part," he lied through his teeth. "I just get tired from math in general."

Akaashi hummed in lieu of a reply, and they continued to his house in the continued forced (on Bokuto's side, at least) silence. 

He didn't want to talk too much. What if he got tired of it, and broke up with him? What if he was exposed to how stupid Bokuto really was, and considered him a lost cause?

And speaking of being a lost cause; everyone knew Bokuto was notorious for his mood swings, especially his anger and dejection. It was hard to function during these episodes, and he depended on Akaashi during them more often than not. The 'moods' were from a build up of a sudden amounts of stress or failures; the doctor had called it a form of 'borderline rage'.

Akaashi didn't deserve to be exposed to those ugly emotions any more than possible. He should be around someone that can support him, always make him smile, always capable of lifting him up even after a hard day and making him laugh. 

When Bokuto had his episodes during practice, he started taking breathers outside of the gym instead of depending on Akaashi to help. He shouldn't have to take care of someone like Bokuto. He deserved someone more stable.

"Bokuto-san," Akaashi sighed when the ace was starting to feel his fuse reach its end, and Bokuto shook his head. He heard the weariness in Akaashi's sigh. He was ruining everything; their synchrony, their relationship, his chances at fixing himself. 

"I'll just-- Let me step outside, I'll feel better!" He sped away from him, from the court, before the setter could protest.

Once outside, he forced himself to take even, deep inhales and smooth, long exhales once outside. His hands clenched and unclenched to the rhythm of his breathing. He could do this. He just needed to calm--

"Bokuto-san."

He nearly shit, jumping in the air and whipping around to face his boyfriend who was standing just outside the gym doors. "A-Akaashi!! Sorry I'm taking so long, I--"

"Are you okay."

Bokuto frowned, staring at the grass. He was coming out of one of his 'moods', and Akaashi knew that. Did he expect a 'good'? 

"I'm... Okay," Bokuto continued cautiously, picking at a nail bed now. "Just got worked up over some dumb stuff, you know. You should get back to practice!"

Akaashi hummed in affirmation from where he stood, shifting from foot to foot. "You know you... Can tell me if something's wrong," he said, slowly.

Bokuto was confused, but was desperate enough to get this ugly side of him away from Akaashi that he went ahead and agreed. "'Course, 'Kaash!" He nodded at him, akin to a bobble head with his exaggerated motion. "You too, okay!"

Akaashi hummed again, and slowly turned on his heel to walk away. Bokuto breathed out a sigh, a little in relief but mostly of rising anxiety.

Akaashi would definitely get tired of his moods. He was asking weird questions, had an edge of something wrong in his voice. Akaashi would *definitely* break up with him. 

As Bokuto looked in the school bathroom mirror, he realized with a hot rush of tears that maybe he wasn't supposed to be with Akaashi after all. He would only drag the man down, would annoying him and anger him-- but fuck, Bokuto loved him. He loved him so much, he just wanted to spend every minute of every day with him. His mom told him Akaashi was his 'special person', which meant for people like Bokuto they would become extremely attached to someone, usually a good friend or significant other, and put them on a mental pedestal. Which would almost be romantic if it didn't have other implications with it.

Akaashi deserved to be treated like he was precious, special (because he *was*). But not like this. Not in the tainted, messed up way Bokuto's mind treated him. It was unnatural. 

"Bokuto." He heard the door to the bathroom being pushed open alongside Akaashi's murmur. Since they started dating he dropped the -san when they were alone, and Bokuto mourned the fact he'd be using it again soon enough. "You've been in here for almost all of lunch." Short, precise, to the point. So painfully, wonderfully Akaashi. He also heard the question in his statement, the 'what is going on?'.

Bokuto's head was ducked so his boyfriend couldn't see his reflection; his red eyes, his trembling lips. He gripped the edges of the porcelain sink, trying to pep talk himself into taking this plunge; to save Akaashi the awkwardness and irritation of breaking up with Bokuto instead. If this was going to end, he at least wanted the setter to be as comfortable as possible. To reaffirm this wasn't his fault in any way. 

"Akaashi," he began, and cursed the hoarse tone his voice had taken on.

Suddenly the shorter was at his side, hand gentle on his shoulder. "Bokuto. What--"

"I think we... I th-think we should br-break up," he ground out, almost gagging on the words. There was a pause, and he was waiting for Akaashi to agree, to say it wasn't really working out anyway--

"...What?" He heard whispered instead, and snapped his head up to look at the setter. The usually apathetic expression was nowhere to be seen, instead concern and hurt in the spotlight.

"Akaashi--"

"Did I do something?" He murmured, slowly withdrawing his hand from Bokuto's shoulder. His expression was closing off, and it made Bokuto's stomach turn. He didn't expect this kind of conversation, this kind of reaction. 

"No!" He sniffled sharply, turning to face the other. "It's just-- I've been thinking, Akaashi, and you know? I'm not very good for you, I think. Um. I think, I think you deserve better."

"Ah. The classic 'it's not you it's me' line." Akaashi sounded unimpressed, and Bokuto scrambled to make him understand.

"No, seriously! Akaashi think about it, I'm emotional and loud and inexperienced and- and you're... You, you know! You're you."

"And who am I?" Akaashi arched an eyebrow. "Someone super special and unlike other people?"

Bokuto almost flat out agreed, but thought better of it, somehow knew Akaashi wouldn't react well to a straight 'yes'. "Well, close! I think! To me, and to everyone else, I know you may not see it but I do and--"

Akaashi placed a hand on Bokuto's chest. It was so light he barely felt the pressure of it, but it drew his attention fully back to Akaashi rather than focusing on trying to desperately explain himself. 

"I'm *human*," Akaashi emphasized heavily. "I have flaws, too."

"No way, Akaashi! You're perfect!" Bokuto insisted, almost on reflex. To his confusion the setter gave a wry, almost sad smile.

"I have my own issues. I'm not very affectionate, and don't give you as much attention as I probably should. I don't smile much. I can be rude and blunt without even realizing it." He held up the hand on the ace's chest when Bokuto opened his mouth to speak, effectively silencing him. "I know you're loud, and sometimes a lot to handle, but do you not think I didn't know that when I accepted your... Courtship?"

Bokuto's mouth opened and closed. When Akaashi said it like that, he felt kind of dumb. Akaashi was his best friend, and vice versa-- of *course* he knew what Bokuto was like. 

"And as for the inexperience, well..." Akaashi diverted his gaze, and a very light pink, near unnoticeable (unless you paid attention to Akaashi's every detail like Bokuto did) blush formed on his cheekbones. "I'm not very experienced, either. I've never-- kissed anyone. You're the second person I've ever dated. And the first person I've genuinely *liked*."

"...Oh," was all Bokuto said, eyes wide. 

"Oh, indeed," Akaashi replied, looking vaguely amused, to Bokuto's relief. But the feeling left him as quickly as it appeared, and Bokuto continued with his distressed babbling.

"B-but you don't think I'm creepy?! I know so much about you, I pay way too close attention to everything--"

"I keep a mental list of all of your strengths and weaknesses, Bokuto," Akaashi stated dryly. "If you want to break up with me, it's... It's fine. I won't... Be happy, with it, but I would respect it. I would try with the best of my ability to not let our friendship or volleyball be affected. But," he emphasized while reaching out to Bokuto again and resting his hand on his neck, thumb brushing his thundering pulse gently, "if you're breaking up with me because you're insecure, you think I don't like you, etcetera etcetera... I won't let you." His lips quirked up into a half-smile, and Bokuto's heart nearly stopped. "You don't get to decide how I feel. I want you to come to me when you feel like this, rather than bottle it all up. Don't avoid me. Talk as much as you want. Let me help you when you're in one of your 'moods'. Okay?"

Bokuto was gaping at Akaashi, his chest absolutely slammed with affection for his setter. Only one thing was going through his mind, unable to form a proper response to his boyfriend. 

"Can I kiss you?" He asked, way too loudly in the small echoing space of the bathroom. Akaashi arched an eyebrow.

"You want our first kiss to be in a public restroom?"

Shit, Akaashi was right. He always was, Akaashi was so smart. "Ah-- no! No, let's do it after school! I want it to be really really special for you, Akaashi, I'll even practice kissing on the back of my hand or something before we--"

Akaashi's hand slid from his neck to his shoulder and continued down his arm, coming to a stop at his hands and loosely threading their fingers together.

"I was joking. It'd be... 'Special'... Anywhere, Bokuto. Because it's with you." He was uncharacteristically bashful, head ducked and ears crimson. For the second time during their conversation, the ace was rendered speechless. Akaashi gently squeezed their linked fingers in the small moment of silence.

"How did I get to be so lucky!" Bokuto finally exclaimed, throwing himself at Akaashi and wrapping his arms around him. "Akaashi, I'm so sorry! I'll be sure to tell you everything from now on--"

"Well, maybe not *everything*--"

"--And I'll be sure to cherish you properly, okay!" He continued dramatically, tightening his embrace with a small 'oof' from the other.

"Thank... You," Akaashi wheezed, weakly patting Bokuto's back. He breathed a sigh of relief when he was released from the older's clutches.

"I really want to kiss you, Akaashi, but I'll wait. I meant it when I said I want it to be nice, for you," the ace insisted, grabbing Akaashi's hands and holding them up to his chest, earnest. 

"We'll work on doing nice things for yourself, eventually. But for now..." Akaashi slowly leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss onto the ace's cheek. "This should hold us over until the real thing."

Bokuto's body vibrating as he stared wide-eyed at Akaashi, lips trembling. 

Then--

"I'm NEVER washing my cheek again, Akaashi!!!" He hooted, dropping one of Akaashi's hands to cup over the kissed skin protectively.

The smaller rolled his eyes, peeling himself away from the ace to open the bathroom door. "Please don't do that. Let's go before class starts."

"Yeah, okay!!" Bokuto exclaimed, grabbing his abandoned school bag and following his boyfriend. "Thanks, Akaashi, for fixing everything. Like usual. You're the best."

Akaashi hummed, eyeing Bokuto with an affection in his gaze that somehow the ace had missed before. "Don't jump to conclusions like that anymore. That's all I ask."

"I won't, I promise!" Bokuto agreed eagerly, bouncing after the setter and ignoring the people sending him looks for his boisterous voice. "I'm sorry, 'Kaash. I didn't mean to hurt or worry you."

"We'll talk more about it later, if you want. For now; class." Akaashi gazed at the other as they came to a stop, a fork in the hallways where they would be going their separate ways. "I'll see you soon, Bokuto." He brushed their knuckles together, then turned, walking away. Bokuto watched him walk away with what he was sure was the most obvious look of adoration on his face as possible, but couldn't will himself to make it go away.

And for once since they started dating, Bokuto was excited about spending time with Akaashi-- not so nervous about it he would be unable to enjoy their time together. 

He planned on taking advantage of every second of it.


End file.
